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Goodnight my sunshine...

Updated: Aug 7, 2020

This is difficult for me to write, in fact I didn't even know how to begin. I sat staring at the screen, my eyes full of tears, knowing in my head what I wanted to say but unable to get my fingers to type them out. My sweetest boy, so full of pure love, my sunshine, my Connor, has left this world. And while I take comfort knowing he is no longer suffering, or in pain, or will have horrible seizures, or struggle to get through the day and is now at peace, my heart is broken into a million pieces and I'm left with a gaping hole in my heart and life.

Connor was so special, I wish that everyone who knows him only through social media had been givent he chance to meet him in person. He was pure love, he didn't know a stranger, he LOVED every person he ever met. If someone passed him on the street and didn't acknowledge him he would watch them walk past with a hurt look on his face, as if he was confused as to why they wouldn't want to stop and talk to him. it didn't happen often but when it did it always hurt my heart, because he looked so crestfallen.

He would often scare other dogs because he would lunge and bark when he met new ones but he was harmless, he wold never hurt a fly. To Connor, barking, especially in faces, was how he communicated and played with other dogs. Sure he would run and chase and what not but there was always barking, it was his thing, But, he wasn't a barky dog outside of play with other dogs. He also loved playing with soccer balls, basketballs, even yoga balls, it was so funny. Water bottles were fun for him until he removed the cap, then he lost interest. He loved wine and cider and would beg for it over a steak any day of the week (although an In-N-Out burger might take a top spot), so when I would finish a glass he could have just the tiniest bit that was left at the bottom of the glass, he loved it.

I will never understand why he had to suffer through these seizures. My vet feels that he did, in fact, have a brain tumor, which was the cause of the seizures, the increase in the seizures and the changes in his personality and behaviors he began to exhibit over the last few months. A slow growing tumor that insidiously filled in spaces within his brain to the point that it eventually took away everything that made him who he was and left him just a shell. This last week was so hard to see him struggle so much, episodes of nystagmus leaving him unable to stand or walk for periods of time, the blankness in his eyes, I honestly don't knoew if he even knew who I was anymore, it was horrible.

I want to remember the Connor he was, who he truly was, because he was a most wonderful boy. He came to me in a most serendipitous way after losing Dexter and helped heal my heart. He had nothing but love to give to every person he ever met and he loved with his whole heart and soul. He was pure sweetness and love and I'm so blessed that I was able to spend nine amazing years with him, I would have given everything to have many more but it wasn't meant to be and it makes me sad.

Connor loved doing his therapy visits, it saddened us when he could no longer continue after the seizures began, he brought happiness and joy to so many people.

My sweet boy left this world being held in my arm, sitting in our swing chair on the balcony, his favorite place to be, he just loved to be outdoors. The sun was shining, the sky was a clear, vibrant blue, birds were chirping, and it was so peaceful. I told him he didn't need to fight anymore, that it was okay, he could go be with my dad and have all the things he loved - all the In-N-Out burgers, balls, wine, cider, all the things were there at the Bridge with his papa waiting for him. It was peaceful and I knew he was ready, he had fought so long and hard, he was tired and wanted to rest and now he's at peace and free from all that suffering. I will miss him forever, and this is going to be hard to get accustomed to life without him here, it's so painful, but I had to do right by him, because he always did by me.

I love you Nerbs, my sweetest boy, always...❤️

Your brother is going to be lost without you, sweet boy....

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